Everywhere Babies

By Lisa Cucinotta

Reading to my kids is one of my favorite activities. I have loved it so much over the past six years of parenting that I recently started writing books for kids. Writing children’s books has made me think a lot more about what I love to read the kids. I’ve started noticing nuances about books like which have authors who also illustrate (I’m not all illustrator but admire those like Mo Willems who do both), whether the books rhyme or not, how long they are, etc. Most agents don’t accept rhyming books anymore (no idea why) but I’ve found that the vast majority of the books we own for littler kids all rhyme. I find it very soothing, personally. I also never realized how short many of the “longer” picture books Julia and I read together are, like Fancy Nancy or Pinkalicious. They have fewer words than you might think (418 and 680 respectively).

I’ve also begun to think about who writes the books the kids love.  There are very few books out of the hundreds that Julia and Luca own that I have paid attention to who the author is, surprisingly. Maybe other parents are more in tune with this, but its not something I think about much unless the books are part of a series and I want to buy more of them.  And even then I tend to think more about the series itself (like the ones I mentioned above) than I do about the author.

However I recently had a really special experience with Julia that made me want to reach out to the author of my favorite. When Julia was born my sister gave me a selection of books that were special to her and her kids. One of them was Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers, illustrated by Marla Frazee. Reading it to Julia and Luca makes me happy.  It’s simple and sweet, and reminds me of both the commonalities of raising babies and their differences.

Each page starts with “Everyday, everywhere babies are….” and then goes into a different topic and all the different ways those topics are experienced.  Like “Every day, everywhere babies are fed – by bottle, by breast, with cups and with spoons, with milk and then cereal, carrots and prunes…” I love that a book for little kids says the word “breast” in it like its no big deal (because it’s not!) and also that they mention both breast and bottle feeding as being normal options (because they are!).

But back to my special experience with Julia. She really mastered reading in first grade, going from a struggling beginning reader to one that reads with enthusiasm and can infuse emotion into her storytelling.  It reminds me of myself actually – I was always really good at reading out loud, probably because I had a mother who was a children’s librarian.  I love seeing that quality in her because picking it up was such a struggle for her, especially as the youngest kid in her class.

On nights when I am home to put Julia to bed, she reads me a book and then I read her one.  She usually chooses Elephant and Piggy books (by the great Mo Willems, mentioned earlier) or a book like If You Give a Pig a Pancake. The other night, I think maybe I’d had a challenging day and she knew that, because she smiled big at me and told me she had a surprise and whipped out Everywhere Babies to read to me. She has outgrown interest in most baby and toddler books but she still keeps this one in her room.

She read it and I had a full circle mom experience. There were tears in my eyes as I watched my beautiful big girl read me this book like a champ.  I decided I had to write to the author and tell her. My hope is that someday parents and children will have special experiences with my books, and I would want to know that. So I found Susan’s website, which contained her email address along with the promise that if you write her she’ll write you back.  I figured it was worth a shot.

To my great surprise, Susan wrote me back the very next day.  I was totally fan-girling out over her response, which was amazing.  Here it is below, shared with her permission:

“Dear Lisa,

Thank you so much for writing to me, and especially for sharing the story of how Julia read Everywhere Babies to you.  That brought tears to my eyes, too. 
You know writing is such a strange experience.  You work hard to make your book as good as you can (and in the case of a picture book the illustrator works hard, too). Then you send it out in the world and suddenly it no longer belongs just to you. It belongs to those who read it. You and your children are the other side of the equation and hearing from you…  Well, it certainly made my day and also inspired me to get back to my desk and finish the book I’m working on now.
So, again, thank you for writing.  Give Julia and Luca a hug for me!
All best,
Susan”

 

I’d love to hear from you on what books are your favorites to read with your kids! Feel free to respond to me here, on Facebook if we’re friends and now on Twitter where I am now writing @lisacucinotta

Parenting with P.E.A.C.E.

By Lisa Cucinotta

I started this blog because I wanted to expose the truth about the challenges of parenting. I’ve talked about the importance of honesty in revealing the tough parts so that we don’t feel so alone. I’ve addressed postpartum depression, losing a pregnancy,  and the (not so) magic of babies among other topics. But something that I haven’t tackled much is specifics for how we can make it better.  Mostly this is because I felt unqualified to give parenting advice, since I have struggled with it quite a bit (spoiler alert: so do most people).

Recently I have been going through a period of major inspiration in my life.  I’ve been more productive and more positive than I have been in years. The happiness and calm that has been coursing through me has been such a contrast to the ball of anxiety and gloom I was from mid 2016 to mid 2017 (aka “the dark period”).  I have noticed that my parenting methods have improved pretty dramatically since I have become more peaceful and positive.  I’ve long believed, and seen the proof, that yelling doesn’t actually help the situation, but my frayed nerves prevented me from effectively practicing that on a regular basis before.

I have been working recently on a self-help and self-care philosophy that I’ve dubbed P.E.A.C.E. (gotta love a good acryonym!).  While I had originally built it as a method for helping myself and others with anxiety, I have discovered it has a number of other practical applications, including work issues like coping with stress, identifying priorities and managing people.  But it is also super good for parenting.

P.E.A.C.E. is simple.  It’s five steps that you run through during the course of a situation.  However, you can also access each of the steps independently depending on what you need at the time.

P: Prepare
E: Examine
A: Accept
C: Calm
E: Embrace

Here’s an example of parenting with P.E.A.C.E. in action:

You are going out to a nice dinner with your husband and toddler and another family tonight. You’ve had mixed results taking her out; sometimes she behaves great, sometimes she is a disaster, so you’re a bit nervous/stressed about how it will go.

Prepare: This is your pre-game. What worked during those successful dinners and what didn’t at the rough ones? Based on that you can prepare for a better outcome: Let’s go at 6 instead of 7 so she will be less tired. We’ll bring a few toys and books.  We’ll have cheerios to feed her before the food comes.

Examine: It’s game time. You’re in the restaurant. She starts to cry. You give her the books and she throws them. You offer her cheerios and she isn’t eating them.  You begin to get impatient and stressed. What if the restaurant throws you out? What if you can never go out to eat with her until she is a teenager? What if your friends think your a bad mom because their kids are sitting so nicely.

This spiral and frustration is what usually leads to the impulsive behavior – the yelling, the anxiety, the obsessive thoughts.  It’s time to examine what is really happening. Take a beat. Clear your mind of the worries and focus on reality.  I suggest that you begin to keep what I call the “bank of proof”.  This can be something that just lives in your head, or if you need it, something you physically write down, ideally on your phone so that you can access it anywhere.  Your bank of proof is a reminder of your “wins”.  Say to yourself: we’ve gone out to dinner 6 times in the last year and never been thrown out, no matter how she behaved. People are nice because they understand kids aren’t always perfect. You’ve had luck in the past calming her down by playing games with her – why don’t you try that?

Accept: You are now at the solution phase. It is what it is so let’s deal with it. She is crying. It’s not the end of the world. She will stop at some point. Try that game you remember working in the past. The one where you have to guess animals by the sound they make. Hey, that seems to be working.  Now let’s get some bread and butter over here and fill her up. Maybe she’s hangry.  If all else fails, you can always take her outside for a quick walk, or (last resort) let her play with your phone.

Calm: Do an emotional gut check. Now that you’re not zoomed in on your fears or anger, it’s a lot easier to process what is happening.  You want to enjoy the rest of dinner, and not feel worried she will do it again (but if she does it again, just keep going through E and A), or make a rash decision to leave.  You’ve got this, girl! You can choose to enjoy yourself tonight. There is this great quote from Mary Engelbreit that has always stuck with me “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you feel about it.” IT IS NOT EASY TO DO.  But it is SO WORTH IT to work on this.

Embrace: You are in the car on the way home from dinner.  You made it! The rest of the dinner turned out ok.  Your toddler wasn’t always happy, but she did eat some of her pasta, and you and your husband had a much needed glass of wine, and no one in the restaurant gave you evil looks, and now she is sleeping in the car seat like a little angel and you survived.  You can add this to your bank of proof. Build up your wins, and draw on them whenever you need.  Be proud of yourself.  You can embrace even the more shitty situations because there is always a redemption point in there somewhere.

I truly believe P.E.A.C.E. can provide a true path to changing your life as a parent.  I just practiced it on a week-long vacation with the kids and my husband in the Dominican Republic and it was amazing. I focused before the trip on not being apprehensive and obsessive or worrying about bad outcomes, which is something I often do before traveling.  I was able to go into the trip more calmly and parent with more enjoyment.  I very rarely get to spend that amount of concentrated time with my kids because I am a working mom, and I thought I would feel exhausted but I came home feeling peaceful and refreshed.  I am not saying the trip was all roses and sunshine because let’s be honest, we were dealing with a 3 and 6 year old here (I will write a post about vacation soon, because I highly recommend the resort!) But there was so much magic, so much fun, and so much happiness.  Were the kids behaving any better or worse than usual? I don’t think so.  But I did, and it made all the difference.

Think of this method like lifting weights. Day one you aren’t going to pick up the biggest barbells and hoist them over your head.  But with continued practice, you can build your strength and accomplish bigger goals. I believe you can find a path to being a calmer and more rational parent and be able to enjoy your kids and your life more!

Note: I will be writing a lot more about P.E.A.C.E. in the future and working on it’s various applications.  If you are interested in learning more about it, please reach out.  I’m looking for beta testers to give feedback on how to distill the idea with the most simplicity and also what specific tactics lead to the best outcomes! 

The memory bank

By Lisa Cucinotta

Last night we hung out with two families from our block, and between us there were six kids ranging in age from six (Julia) to eight months (our neighbor’s son Henry, who is so cute he almost makes me want to have another one…. for five minutes…. because this shop is CLOSED for business).  The house was chaos, but the happy kind, with shrieks due to fun vs. fights and tantrums.

At one point the three oldest kids (ages 4-6) were playing hide and seek.  Charlie, the ringer, (since he lived there and knew all the best spots) hid behind the drapes in the dining room where the adults were hanging out finishing our dinner.  He was pretty well concealed, but at one point the kids were practically on top of him and yet couldn’t find him.  We were trying to give them clues, directing them with “warmer” and “colder” but they just weren’t getting it even though at one point I swear they were looking straight at him behind the gauzy curtain.  When he finally popped out, peals of laughter exploded not just from the kids but from all the adults in the room.

After we stopped laughing, I looked at everyone I said “Let’s put this one in the memory bank”.  Whether you realize it or not, I believe every parent keeps a memory bank.  Having small children is hard, like, next level hard.  Like, “how does anyone do this?” hard.  There are so many moments where you just want to scream, or rip your hair out, or hide in a bathroom or take five minutes to breathe or shower or take a catnap.  So you open up a memory bank account and deposit every damn thing in it you can that is not the shitty stuff.  This whole night for me goes in the memory bank.  Hanging out with people we enjoy who have great kids, sharing kid book recommendations, eating pizza and homemade cookies and apple crumble and feeling relaxed (or at least I did, and I am not always relaxed at these things).

I’ve got lots of memories that I keep in my bank. The first time Julia said her name, and told us it was “Julcat”. Taking naps with sweaty baby Luca’s face pressed against my face. Watching Julia greet the princesses at Disney World with the expectation they’d know her to. Luca saying “You got this for me?” in his deep little baby voice, with a mixture of wonder and excitement, every time we give him something.  A mom telling me that Julia waited for her son by the door at kindergarten every day for the first few weeks because she knew he was scared to go in.

I also have a category for posthumously added memories.  Those are ones that felt really struggle bus while they were happening but have a sweetness to the memory that creates nostalgia. One is Julia insisting we “dance up” – she loved dancing so much at two that we would try to dance with her while sitting on the floor because we would get tired and she just wouldn’t have it so she’d insist we stand.  We’d be exhausted, wearing pink cowboy hats and tutus and drag ourselves off the floor to try to jam out to our tenth Katy Perry song in a row to keep our tiny tyrant happy.  Another one, as insane as it is for me to believe now, is that I am able to feel nostalgia for moments I spent nursing.  I nursed Julia for six months, Luca for four, and I was very relieved to stop.  I felt like a cow, it was weird to feel like my body didn’t belong to me, and I leaked all the time.  It kind of sucked (no pun intended).  But now I remember their teeny tiny selves curled up around me, their crying pacified, my satisfaction of knowing that I was doing something good to care for them. Then there were those sleepy little milk coma faces after they were done, and the knowledge that I’d probably get at least a few moments of rest before the next round of crying or needing to feed them.  Just remembering that now makes me feel warm and fuzzy, although at the time I just wanted my body back.

I think even the shitty stuff is worth remembering – the sleepless nights, career compromises, exhaustion and endless pooping are good reminders that I don’t want a third child even after cuddling baby Henry tonight; nibbling his delicious baby face and having him grab my finger with his tiny hands was lovely but it doesn’t cancel out why I chose to stop after two kids.

Grandparents and parents of older children will see you with your little kids and also recommended that you pay attention as your children’s lives are unfolding because they go by too fast.  Sometimes I want them to go by faster, to get through the tough parts.  But tucked between the monotony and the frustration are the incredible moments of joy and love.  It’s what keeps us going as parents.  You can’t make a memory if you don’t remember it. That’s why I paused at the table tonight as we all laughed at our kids playing.  Let’s remember this one, I was saying, and save it for a rainy day when we’ll need it.